Final year - The Future and the Flashback!

So, being a final year student, the struggles are real. There will be new beginnings, post graduation thoughts, excelling in exams without arrears, keeping updated with current/real world that I missed during three years of college and all obscure, good and even scary thoughts crossing the path of my life. All the pending works has to be finished at great speed. Also, most of my time got absorbed by the rains and floods of Chennai now I am in a game called “Mission finishing college” where my goals are to finish all my assignments within few days along with exam tension and by bearing added special headache from the faculty. 

The most horrifying and dreadful thing to me is the queries asked about my career/future plans by my relatives of all kinds (aunts, uncles, acquaintances, relatives whom I have never met or spoke before – “strangers”) which can be an added pressure but for them I guess it is a desirable pleasure to intervene into our matters out of nowhere like it's a part of their routine. There is a term called Schadenfreude/ Epicaricacy – a pleasure derived by someone from another person’s misfortune, which is what their behavior suggests. I feel like if they are so concerned in my life, fund me some money for my education or start-up business or provide me job opportunities or else just be polite and stop nagging me about my future plans repeatedly and bragging about your son’s/ daughter’s achievements. Basically, please stop including extra tension as a part of my life. 

So far, I have written four competitive exams for MBA and hoping to get placed in a good college. When my scores came and I was invited for Group discussion (GD) or Personal interviews (PI) from many colleges which are situated in Pune, Bhuvaneshwar, Bangalore, Delhi, etc. I took a phone interview for one college situated in Bangalore and got selected. And here comes fate’s play, my dad was like “a girl child should not go so far for studies it is not safe.” All my hopes to get placed in a proper institution went into drain. I can understand the concern but it is not fair to believe in old ideologies in 21st century and as a grownup I have right to choose what I want to do but as the fees is paid by him I had to obey his orders. 

The same incident happened to me for my under graduate course selection. The conditions were No co-ed, only Chennai, only women’s college, nearby to home, known/ safe area for girls, etc. So, I applied for all the women’s colleges with the course of my liking and just joined the one which selected me first. And I ended up studying B.Sc. Food science and Management. I had no idea what food science meant during my initial days of my college. I just chose it because murdering a vegetable (or any food) is not an offense. I had never communicated in English in my school days. All my classmates were fashionably updated most of them fluent in English and Hindi and I had sense of being the odd one out. I daily cried after college and was worried that college would be this horrifying for Three years. Most of my classmates had their schoolmates or besties and formed groups. I wasn’t included in any of them. I felt unwelcomed and secluded. Then slowly it changed I found the most unique, spectacular individuals as my friends and I am so glad I met them. Then I got adjusted to the college life. The transition between school life and college life is phenomenal.

Another struggle was the questions people asked about my course were annoying, dumb and made no sense. Some examples of those questions: Is it Home Science? (No); Is it like hospitality management (nahi), Is it cooking management (Uhh.... nope. Not studying b.sc in maid science), you can eat delicious food everyday right? (pfft.. who said I get to eat something edible and healthy food, indha course adhukum mela), you will cook nice stuff for your husband? (As long as he does not have a death wish he will avoid my cooking), you are so lucky that you get to study about food, right? (I am not a big foodie and it is kinda hard to concentrate and study my course without getting hungry) Nowadays I reply that I am doing M.B.B.S in food or I am a food doctor. Finally a question which is ridiculous and serious at the same time “why did you chose this course?” can be a million dollar question but the answer would be fate!

The First week of February - Struggles!

Feb 1, 2016: My mother and my aunt who came from U.S. to visit us both left from Chennai to visit my grandma (Their mom). My ammama (Mother's mom/ my grandma) lives in a town located in Andhra. I was told to look after the house. They left the house after I went to college. College went on as usual and I came back home. The silence was tremendous. I felt haunted vibe in my own house. No single nagging or scolding of my mom to be heard. The silence was ecstatic until I had to do the chores for the day that my mom did for past 21 years of her marriage.

I cleaned some vessels, saw T.V., heated milk and mixed Maltova (Cocoa flavoured malt powder) into it and drank it. The next challenge was to make rice. I have very poor cooking skills yet I took Food Science as my Bachelor degree. 

I remember my mom telling me to add 3 cups of water to 1 cup of rice and switch on the electric rice cooker. It sounded as an easy thing to do but not after I did I realised only with practice you will get properly cooked rice. I had to wash the rice, then put it into the electric rice cooker vessel, then add water. I was confused by which cup my mom referred to. Then I used the same cup I measured the rice with and started adding water and lost count of how many cups of water I added. So, I simply added till the rice is drowned with water.

I saw T.V., checked my mails, browsed for good colleges for my master’s degree and ended up tired. The cooked symbol was blinking on the device and I checked the status of my first rice cooking experience/ experiment. The rice was semi-cooked, the outer portion of the grain was cooked but the center part of the grain was hard. So, I added some more water and set the Electric Rice Cooker to cook it again. This time the rice was cooked nicely and edible to eat. Yippee!! But the quantity was too high to for dinner for me and my brother. Damn it. 

I microwave the chicken curry my mom kept in the fridge. I and my brother ate the rice with it, then with some curd and mango pickle. The night went on well, I made small pat on my back convincing myself there could be even other kind of disasters that could happen being home alone. Then we watched a Tamil dubbed Korean serial “Master’s sun”. It was a spooky serial. We both were scared to death while sleeping.

Feb 2, 2016: I woke up, brushed my teeth, heated the milk, drank it, and ate some biscuits, bathed, packed my bag and ready to go to college. Except my body and soul was ached to stay at home because I was too sleepy and tired from the nightmares. I told my brother good bye and walked towards the bus stop. College was same boring as hell. My classmates were practicing for aerobics and March past to represent the department at the sports day. They were arguing about the faults in their teammates. Head ache was at peak. I sat and helped my classmates with some tests for their research. Then college got over. I came home. My mom arrived. Even though secretly I was happy that she came at the same time the freedom to do whatever I want is gone. 

Feb 3, 2016: I went to college. I helped my friend with her protein analysis for her food sample in the laboratory. I told her to finish the test because I had some another class to attend at that time but she threw it off. All my efforts of preparing the reagents, sample, etc went into a drain. Then my class and some other departments together had a session on “Happy marriages”. It was more like a Stand up comedy than a counselling session on marriages. 

Feb 4, 2016: I had a proper class from my faculty after 2 full months. Finally it felt like classroom. Then, we had practical session to make nectar and ready to drink beverage from a fruit. After the last period my department calls me to meet them. There was this conference going to happen in Chennai for which I gave my name and paid money. The dumb thing was I gave my money on Feb 2 and Feb 3 also my friend did not cross check to inform me that I paid twice. I got an awesome scolding session from my department. Wow. What a crappy day! I am very bad at remembering whatever is related to numbers – time, money, date, schedules, counting, basically anything with math.

I felt weak, tired, sick, and more like a Character from Tim Burton’s movie. I walked on the road to reach my bus stop. Is it me or for everyone? When I felt tired and sad that particular day, I felt everyone is watching me. I got into a crowded bus, crushed and smashed every muscle of mine to squirm my way to get a proper spot to stand inside the bus. I went home and cried like anything. Life felt useless. My mom wasn’t of big help she even added more details to increase my sadness. I cried until my eyes got dried, reddened and burning as if my vitreous humor was replaced by fire. I took a kerchief wet it with tap water and kept it on my eye lids and slept for a while.

I am very poor at handling any scolding that is related to my mistakes. I felt horrible. I apologised to my friend who was also scolded for my fault. She told me “Don’t worry. Learn from the mistakes and Move on.”

Feb 5, 2016: Today I will be attending my college sports day event in the evening. So, I didn’t have college and all drama to handle in the morning. I had a good sleep and became less suicidal. My conscience said people had done far more mistakes than I did. I never murdered, cheated or spoiled anyone’s life. So, compared to some people’s mistakes I felt better. I hope we all get the strength to pass this test called “life”.